You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
