Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
