I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
