all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
