you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
