Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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