Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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