areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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