Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
