You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
