This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
