Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
