Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
