you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize