I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
