my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
