well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
