I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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