He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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