a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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