finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
