i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
