hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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