I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
