Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
