My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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