Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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