i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
