i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
