New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
