I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
