i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
