you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
