I'm so fucking centered right now
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
