I like my sex mixed with concussions.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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