It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
