Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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