I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
