my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my being single is dangerous.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
