i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
