if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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