I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
