are you still at the devil's house?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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