Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
