Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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