FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
