she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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