I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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