Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
