god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
