I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
