airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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