sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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