I will die if light touches me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
