1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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